What Women Want

Don't criticize me in front of other people even when I make mistakes or I displease you, Insha-Allah.

When you belittle me to make yourself look good at my expense I feel embarrassed, but powerless to strike back. Think about how you feel when you hear others tongue-lash their partners in public. Aren't you uncomfortable, Astagh Ferrullah? Please save your negative remarks until when we're alone. I'll be better able to hear you then without defensiveness, Insha-Allah.

When we see things differently, please do not devalue my perception. Recognize that one of us does not have to be right while the other is wrong. Neither do we have to struggle until we come to an agreement. When we do that I tend to give in, but I may resent you later. Join with me in trying to say cheerfully, "We just see it differently!"

If I'm upset and cry or loose control of my emotions allow me those feelings, Insha-Allah. Try to get over your discomfort with them, Insha-Allah. They are mine and I will get over them if you allow me time to do so, Insha-Allah. Alhamdulillah, I suffer less when I feel free to let them run their natural course, than if I feel pressured to suppress them so you will not be displeased.

Recognize that I am sensitive to the fact that your involvement in the world earns you more status and recognition than I get. Insha- Allah I will feel less envy and more pride if you were more mindful that my efforts to free you, from the domestic cares, have enabled you to devote yourself more freely to your lifes work. I like it when you acknowledge publicly that I deserve credit too!

When I strive for achievements beyond our home, I need your encouragement to grow, Insha-Allah. You can reassure me by supporting my freedom, even if it means less time to spend on the things that make your life comfortable and by showing your delight even when my successes overshadow yours.

I need QUALITY time with you, Insha-Allah!!!

I know your job is demanding, but if you give the best of your energy and all your patience to a job there is little left for me when we're together. Please make an effort to plan time for just us, Insha- Allah. Especially when we are at home, hours when the telephone does not ring or when your not trying to wind down after a hard day, Insha- Allah.

Please don't belittle me, I may stumble as I gain skills in many of the things I learn to do. Insha-Allah, I will learn faster if you let me make my mistakes without telling me how stupid I am or how much better you would have done it. Most of the things you do will be forgotten in a few years anyway, but my confidence will recover more slowly.

If you can not allow me to fail you are not letting me learn to succeed.

Please don't give me mixed messages about my sexuality, Insha-Allah. I am more uncertain about it than you are. Alhamdulillah, I have been raised to believe that men will not respect me if I were openly sexy. Astagh Ferrullah, I get confused when I see you attracted to seductive women, yet critical of me if I seem provacative at home when we're alone. Please trust me and be open with me about sex. Insha-Allah, your caring example will help me overcome my reluctances to do the same.

Please don't pass the ball, and then find fault with me in the way I field it. Criticism coming from you, who are so important to me, washes away my self esteem and leaves me feeling I can't do anything well, that I can do NOTHING well, Astagh Ferrullah. Insha-Allah, you'll see how much more self-confident and productive I am when we both recognize my right to do my task, my way!

If I am rushed and distracted, try not to interpret my actions as rejection or lack of caring. At times, there are pressures that I don't welcome either. When you put other priorities ahead of me, I try to tell myself you have a reason to do so, and that it doesn't mean you don't care for me. Two adults don't need constant reasurrance of each others committment and devotion.

Be careful to say what you mean!

Please don't make outrageous statements that hurt and expect me to forget them or make huge promises that you never carry out, Insha- Allah. I take seriously your order to "get off my back" when you're angry and I look for the flowers you promise to send when you're affectionate.

I still tell myself that people reveal the truth when they're angry, and that unkept promises show sincerity. Even when I try to avoid it, I feel a distancing from the hurtful statemenst and a coldness seeps into the way I relate to you, Astagh Ferrullah.