A lecture by Sheikh Abdullah Adhami
By getting married you are not just getting a wife, you are getting
your whole world. From now until the rest of your days your wife will
be your partner, your companion, and your best friend.
She will share your moments, your days, and your years. She will
share your joys and sorrows, your successes and failures, your dreams
and your fears. When you are ill, she will take the best care of you;
when you need help, she will do all she can for you; when you have a
secret, she will keep it; when you need advice, she will give you the
best advice. She will always be with you: when you wake up in the
morning the first thing your eyes will see will be hers; during the
day, she will be with you, if for some time she is not with you by
her physical body, she will be thinking of you, praying for you with
all her heart, mind, and soul; when you go to sleep at night, the
last thing your eyes will see will be her; and when you are asleep
you will still see her in your dreams. In short, she will be your
whole world and you will be her whole world.
The best description that I personally have ever read describing the
closeness of the spouses to each other is the Qur'anic verse which
says: "They are your garments and you are their garments." (Surah Al
Baqarah 2:187). Indeed, spouses are like garments to each other
because they provide one another with the protection, the comfort,
the cover, the support, and the adornment that garments provide to
humans. Just imagine a journey in the winter of Alaska without
garments! Our spouses provide us with the same level of comfort,
protection, cover, and support in the journey of our lives on this
earth as garments would do in the Alaskan journey.
The relationship between the spouses is the most amazing of all human
relations: the amount of love and affection, intimacy and closeness,
mercy and compassion, peace and tranquillity that fills the hearts of
the spouses is simply inexplicable. The only rational explanation for
these most amazing of all human feelings is that: it is an act of
Allah Subhanahu wa Ta'ala, "And Allah has made for you Mates (and
Companions of your own nature ..." (Surah Al Nahl 16:72)
Only our Almighty Allah Subhanahu wa Ta'ala in His Infinite Power,
Boundless Mercy, and Great Wisdom can create and ingrain these
amazing and blessed feelings in the hearts of the spouses. In fact
Allah Subhanahu wa Ta'ala is reminding those who search for His signs
in the universe that these feelings in the hearts of the spouses are
among the signs that should guide humans to His existence as He says
in the Qur'an, "And among His signs is this, that He created for you
mates from among yourselves that you may dwell in tranquillity with
them and He has put love and mercy between your hearts: verily in
that are signs for those who reflect." (Surah Al Rum 30:21)
But Allah Subhanahu wa Ta'ala knows that the human heart is not a
static entity, it is sometimes weak and at times dynamic. Feelings
can and do change with time. Love may wither and fade away. The
marital bond might weaken if not properly cared for. Happiness in
marriage cannot be taken for granted; continuous happiness requires
constant giving from both sides. For the tree of marital love to
remain alive and keep growing, the soil has to be sustained,
maintained, watered and nurtured.
Remember that our Prophet Muhammad Salallaahu 'aliahi wa'sallaam had
found the time to go out to the desert and race with his wife Aisha.
She outran him but later after she had gained some weight, he outran
her. Remember that the Prophet Salallaahu 'aliahi wa'sallaam took his
wife to watch the young Ethiopians playing and dancing their folk
dances. The show of emotions is necessary to keep the marital bond
away from rusting and disintegrating. Remember that you will be
rewarded by Allah Subhanahu wa Ta'ala for any emotions you show to
your wife as the Prophet Salallaahu 'aliahi wa'sallaam said "One
would be rewarded for anything that he does seeking the pleasure of
Allah even the food that he puts in the mouth of his wife"
Never underestimate the importance of seemingly little things as
putting food in your wife's mouth, opening the car door for her, etc.
Remember that the Prophet Salallaahu 'aliahi wa'sallaam used to
extend his knee to his wife to assist her up to ride the camel.
Try to always find some time for both of you to pray together.
Strengthening the bond between you and Allah Subhanahu wa Ta'ala is
the best guarantee that your own marital bond would always remain
strong. Having peace with Allah Subhanahu wa Ta'ala will always
result in having more peace at home.
Remember that the Prophet Salallaahu 'aliahi wa'sallaam gave glad
tidings for those couples who wake up at night to pray together. The
Prophet Salallaahu 'aliahi wa'sallaam even urged the spouse who rises
up first to wake the other spouse up, even by splashing cold water on
Always try your best to be good to your wife by words and by deeds.
Talk to her, smile to her, seek her advice, ask for her opinion,
spend quality time with her and always remember that the Prophet
Salallaahu 'aliahi wa'sallaam said, "The best of you are those who
are best to their wives"
Finally, it is common that spouses vow to love and honor their
spouses until death do them part. I do believe that this vow is good
or even great, but not enough! It is not enough that you love your
wife. You have to love what she loves as well. Her family, her loved
ones must also become your loved ones. Don't be like my colleague who
was unhappy about his wife's parents coming to visit for few weeks.
He candidly said to her "I don't like your parents." Naturally she
angrily looked at him straight in the eye and said, "I don't like
yours either." Also, it is not enough that you love her until death
do you part. Love should never end and we do believe there is life
after death where those who did righteousness in this world will be
joined by their spouses (Surah Al Zukhruf 43:70) and offsprings.
The best example in this regard is the Prophet Salallaahu 'aliahi
wa'sallaam whose love for Khadija, his wife of 25 years, extended to
include all those she loved; this love of his continued even after
her death. It was many years after her death and he never forgot her
and whenever a goat was slaughtered in his house he would send
portions of it to Khadija's family and friends and whenever he felt
that the visitor at the door might be Khadija's sister Hala, he would
pray saying, "O Allah let it be Hala."